A Woman’s guide to rating The Donald


Much like the Fonz, Trump jumped the shark a long time ago

Is there any doubt that the man who delights in rating women on their physical appearance sees a 10 in the bathroom mirror as he sprays the final strands of orange lacquer over his balding pate in the morning? In the Donald’s reality TV world he’s a chick magnet, a virtuoso of virility, irresistible to women.

So let’s take a top down look at the Mango Megalomaniac’s physical appearance, absent his wallet, through a female version of himself and rate him on a scale of 1 to 10.

  1. Hair. He can rightly boast that he has the most famous coif in America, but not for good reasons. He sports a thinning, greased-back-at-the-sides, too-long-in-back duck-tail augmented by a chemically cemented-into-place flat top comb over that has been likened to an aircraft carrier or a place to conceal small mammals. Running your fingers through it during a tryst is not optional without industrial strength rubber gloves. The indeterminate colour reminds one of an aging Miami matron whose dye-job at the discount salon went bad. Think Fonzie in a suit at 70, fighting  baldness and the greying strands of time. Let’s be kind and give him a -3.
  2. Face. Any rating of The Donald’s face has to start with the out-of-control eyebrows, so endearing on the aged late 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney but not the love arches of feminine dreams. They flare in unkempt orange-ish glory over squinty blue eyes enfolded in fat, above a narrow nose and soft pink lips that disturbingly bring to mind the female body part he famously likes to grab. The facial failings are rounded out by neck wattles encroaching on a weak chin. In keeping with his signature garish taste, The Donald enhances the whole off-putting look by slathering it in fake tan goop. Factoring in age, he deserves a 2.
  3. Fashion sense. The Donald strides through the corporate/political world looking disheveled in two thousand dollar custom suits, the ill-fitting coats of which hang halfway to his knees. He accentuates with silk ties long enough to suffer splash-back stains when he pees. His belly bulges between perpetually unbuttoned suit jackets and he tops the look at political rallies with baseball caps. Enough said. As the song goes, he’s a three dressed up as… well… a three.
  4. Body. Not having been traumatized by seeing him step out of the shower with hair hanging to his shoulder on one side, judges are left to imagine what only Melania knows for sure. For rating purposes let’s picture him on stage at one of his beloved pageants wearing a speedo. Judges would undoubtedly see a pasty white body, looking ghostly in contrast with the mango mess topside, not with a six pack but instead something more closely resembling a two-four, his man boobs sagging, shriveled and petite in relation to the gut that is casting a shadow over his reputed shortcomings and hairless legs. If you aren’t eating, envision the Donald ‘moving like a bitch’ on  a female 10, his stubby fingers groping and flabby cottage cheese bum cheeks jiggling. (Sorry about that.) Let’s be charitable and give him a -2 and award Melania a 10-plus for suffering through her wifely duties.

If I’ve done the math correctly that rates the Donald a zero, bringing to mind the man who throws stones from his glass tower.

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